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where does it go


June 10th
8:34 am

pt.1

when i’m not busy digging up the past honey i’m digging my grave
there’s a girl with open hands who makes me brave i trust her & she has eyes that could undress any body & put them in the dirt she doesn’t say “sorry” like i do, she isn’t scared she’s high all the time & in your face like “Fuck you” she could steal any thing she’s your dream girl but she’s a nightmare in the best way, destroys everything you love
she knew what colour my blood was before i did she knew i had sharp teeth before i opened my mouth to show

June 10th
6:52 am

i miss you at stoplights & when my bed feels empty like it has since you left i feel like a disease like i close my eyes & your hands shake over me i’m sorry i didn’t try hard enough, i should’ve made you stay, should’ve given you a reason to should’ve  danced naked in the living room again just so you’d know i’d miss you when you left “i’ll really miss you” i do
i love you & the bruises on my thighs will tell you the same i can’t stop driving by your apartment building you’re everywhere i go i buried you in every place i’d been since i met you & i can’t stop seeing ghosts, they tell me they’ve never had a body well baby you can have mind you can move into this haunted house 3 bathrooms 5 bedrooms & a smoke stained basement all that & more, $180000 ghosts & all
i can’t remember how i felt when you left i make shit up so i don’t feel bad for being scared shitless and so no one knows i am i miss you i miss you i miss you i’ll write it on every fucking wall till they’re black i’ll miss you forever, i’ll wait here in the ditch for a solar eclipse or for you to come home whichever comes first i was never sorry for leaving a boy but now i just wish i could nail daisies to your forehead & eat up all your badness  wish i could hold your head in my lap & make you want me again

June 10th
5:09 am

mama,
i’ve been sleepwalking every minute since he left & talking to the dark in my room so i dont remember how his smile felt pressed up against my back, don’t remember his hands or the way they turned the lights off, forget the curls & the lips & the blue blue eyes
it’s 3AM & i’m still awake remembering those hands

June 10th
3:26 am

halo

everybody knows but nobody will fucking ask what i’m standing here screaming about when really that’s all i want, want someone to ask me if i know how ugly my life sounds when it falls apart, like tires squealing or doors slamming, like forks scraping against teeth, no food no forgiveness baby
nothing is fucking good anyway/ no salvation
send me to prison for bad bitches who just look like a headfuck in an empty white dress standing in the front lawn thinking about a house full of boys with teeth you could cut diamonds on
i buried myself in the empty bedroom & waited for you to dig up my girl body but you never did, left for new orleans instead so you could wear that ball & chain like in the song, so you could be a real easy rider like you wanted to be, like in the movie
now i’m passed out in this hall closet down the hall from being asleep but just before being dead, in this drainage ditch between his trailer house & Hell
& i miss you here

June 10th
2:37 am

may 8

been humming in this field forever, freezing & dumb, been an angry little fucked up brat for 2 months since he left i just wanted a boy to stay mama i can’t get around this rain, i just disappear i’m alone & in a hurry to get home to bed where it’s dark & no boys will look at me. Daddy called again yesterday but i let the phone go & let that fucker miss me, i’m the queen of this swamp & you can never get close enough to touch me or look at me, i just stare vacant like a coffin of myself, all i want is a boy to play with my hair when it’s falling out & a diamond ring & a pine box baby i got nasty blisters on my heart & my fingers from all the money i spend, Daddy calls it stealing, i call it love, aren’t they the same? you only fell in love with me because you wanted to see how far down i can sink, right? here i am baby dead at the bottom of the pacific, i found the prettiest unburial dress you said “you’re so dirty” so i cracked open my sloppy swollen heart, showed you the mud & gold inside, said “don’t fucking touch her” i’m lonely but the easiest most magical kind of lonely is when you don’t really know what you’re missing because the empty can’t scare you if you put it there, boys can’t scare you, not if you scare them first so i learned how, spit “forever” back in his mouth at fourteen, smashed both mirrors because i wanted to mean something, wanted to be his bad luck baby & he gave it to me, socks pulled up to my knees, focused on a spot above the bed until i felt touched enough to make a noise his hands were dirty i thought god was the dirt under his fingernails, stuck around long after he left me, God is how nothing tastes different after he left me, ALL MEN TASTE LIKE VINEGAR AFTER THE FIRST BLACK EYE he’s the alleyway & the dirty sheets i’m the river 

i’m the river

June 10th
2:35 am

i wanna be brave & sweet i want to conquer i’m sick really sick & i’m scared mama can’t make this better, i’ll fix myself & say nevermind & it’ll be whatever it is because i don’t need you i can’t love everyone i can’t please boys who will never be pleased. i can’t find the quiet anymore so i have to do something to my brain i don’t know everything comes unstapled so fast it’s sad how this happens, how quick my whole world goes mute & nobody tells you, they all say it’ll be painless but it’s not that at all it’s messy like murder, life’s murder maybe that’s why it’s so hard not to get stockholm syndrome

June 10th
2:32 am

my mama bought me cigarettes this morning because i think she heard me when i was crying in my bed but when i said what i said, about how everybody i know disappoints me, i didn’t mean you, i didn’t mean anything nobody fucking knows what i’m saying anyway not even me (mama can i come home & sleep in your bed i know i said i’m too big but i didn’t mean that too i meant skies all pretty blue & so many grandbabies for you)mama mama mama his heaven looks dangerous & i wanna die inside it, knuckles all bleeding from knocking at the gate

June 10th
2:13 am

"come thru"

mama, i gotta ask you about something
how come when he holds me i feel like i’m a hundred years old & when he fucks me i feel nothing but sweaty & tired
how come my heart feels swollen even when he doesn’t touch it because he won’t, doesn’t want to, can’t, who fucking knows
how come after all this i still can’t go home because i don’t know where it is
how come he tells me i’m pretty, why don’t i hear him when he touches my neck & gives me headaches all over
boys are always like lightning going through your fucking eye sockets, always like going to the river to put dirt on
i don’t see them when their eyes go beneath my skirt, they’re never where they say they are, always under someone or above someone else
they’re all monsters but i still check the closet just to be sure my favorite boy’s not hiding in there
mama, how come he’s not hiding in there?
tell him to come out here & breathe down my neck
tell him i want him to push away my drowning thing

May 11th
5:42 pm

my sister’s birthday

i think about you & start talking to myself in the dark
daddy where do you keep going?
i want to kiss girls that know how to keep blood
in their mouth where it belongs
i try to hold mine in & it bleeds all over me anyhow
i think the inside of my throat is where
cigarettes & hearts go to die
my chest is probably full of the same dull hum i hear
in my brain all day
blue brain matter & thick blood moving slow
through everything else inside me
i’m a junkyard girl all smashed metal & scraps
there’s a dog where my heart was
leaving teeth marks on everything i love
im a girl so i never felt clean enough
to be seen but now that im
here next to a boy who looks at me like nothing’s there
i can feel the stars crawling up & exploding
at the back of my throat

April 28th
9:54 pm

april 28

i’m an american made disaster i like kittens & fucking & i believe in something & that something is love i could talk about love till my fucking lungs go dry my mom never knew i’d grow up to be a junkie who doesn’t care about rules or men who make them or being pretty i don’t know what’s wrong with my heart & if anyone tried to tell me i’d probably punch them in the face i’m an OCEAN, FUCKFACE nobody can touch my heart because it’s not there i built a cenotaph for it at the bottom of mariana’s trench & i met the Titanic down there way down in that big lovely dark, she said “i love your mess & your hurry because i’ve felt like that too” the Titanic told me she was too busy drinking in the light & the champagne & that cold air she never even saw that fucking iceberg & i told her “i love you we’re so warm & identical” & when i started crying about the emptiness she showed me the broken parts, said “baby you’re still young you still have ballrooms in you so don’t ever forget to go dancing” i touched the shattered chandelier, fell down the stairs, laid in the big room till i could feel music & kissed my knees & kissed the bruises on them & said, to the nothingness of that empty ship, “our dark unloved parts just make us pretty.”

April 22nd
11:53 pm

white knuckles

everything’s gone violet & i’m underneath that
all by myself
i don’t think i want my fingers to work anymore
i painted my nails but it didn’t make me feel
any prettier, pretty at all
i woke up this morning & couldn’t tell if it was 6AM
or 6PM so i went back to sleep
but not before i finished off
a bottle of moscato  for breakfast
thought for a few minutes about a boy i know
he’s far away but we’re two rooms in the same house
he’s a terrible stupid idiot & i knew it from the start
it’s so nice to think that a boy will come back to you
but when he does, when he did, it didn’t matter,
doesn’t,
never ever will
because he’s still so out of reach
& he would be even if he was on top of you
& when you fall for him again you don’t make a fucking sound
your eyes go soft & soft & soft 
but you’re a ray of sunshine & nothing fucking scares you
you don’t have to care about him at all
you don’t have to believe him when he says he cares about you
boys don’t care about anything but themselves
& their own shitty lives
they want it all
you don’t have to say anything but 
"fuck that
fuck you
& fuck your heaven”

s.t.