i’m in love with the way some boys know not to turn the lights on too quick when they wayke me up after i’ve been asleep a long time & my bones feel like sores from the bed & the yellowy-white of the sheets is the same colour as my skin, in love with the way some of them know how to drown my ghosts
there’s a science to love & there’s a science to breathing & laughter & people & everything that looks anything like a gunshot wound. i am in my body by accident & i think love makes me go somewhere else all the time. im hiding from boys because im scared of them & i don’t really ever know how dark they are until i’m already swallowed whole. its like you take your heart & your whole life too & you cry into it, you turn off the lights because you know it makes sense & feels safer that way, like if you can’t see where the bullet went in, it was never there in the first place at all. he goes through you like a shotgun shell or a ghost and aren’t they the same? his knuckles & neck crack but what you heard was a bruise you still don’t know how to find, quite. "your heart is still bleeding" he said. it always is
i should’ve taken ecstasy with you should’ve kept my hands in my own pants should’ve never let my tongue come away from my teeth should’ve told you i had a girlfriend to this day i put my head on a pillow & hear you blushing i’m sorry i didn’t ever tell you that some women aren’t meant to be anybody’s anything. that i never showed you the hoarse throat & anger-stained heart i inherited like blue eyes from my parents never told you that my eyes get drunk & look like bedrooms in basements & cause car wrecks. i’m sorry i never told you i didn’t love you
All boys are stupid I only ever wanted to be a GIRL put ur dick away & tell me about ur sister!!! where does she live what color is her hair.. does she listen to the national can I kiss her DO SHE GOT A BOOTY I looooove being close to girls they r so soft! and they smell good wow I l o ve being a girl! I get to be cute n sexy even when im puking out the window of ur Subaru all I kno about is benzos and coffee and cigarettes! its like my heart is drunk all it does is cause accidents. all girls r best friends and twins but they don’t know itttt sometimes when a girl is doing my makeup & she gets real close to my face & uses her finger to wipe something off & my brain goes “WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO” but my hands do all the talking anyhow I can explain my whole life in 2 emojis: *cigarette* *sunglasses emjoi* I think in a nother life I was a jelly fish bc when they get left in the sun too long their bodies evaporate bc they’re like 98% water! I drew a jelly fish holding a cigarette & that’s me
i can never figure out how to start a poem until it’s over until my eyes close and shake like spring and everything just settles, like dust in the corner. the words go stale as soon as they leave my mouth, and i hide inside them like a circus ring teeth to tongue, lips pursed tight he takes away his hands when i ask him to touch me all the things that crawl into my heart through my mouth come unstapled my eyes are always looking another way, never dry. i can’t keep these goddamn hands away from my teeth i can’t stop coughing and i can’t stop
all i needed was luck but
knocking on would only left
splinters of you in my knuckles
& when i pulled them out
all i felt was tired.
& what’s more,
is that the grain of whatever wood
i knocked on–
trees, your coffee table, the rafters in the attic–
it only reminded me of your skin
& the knots just looked like stars
embedded in the pale smooth
of your forearms.
yours is a heart i will never mean to break
but when i do,
& i say this with a sigh,
you will leave splinters,
you will break like bones inside me,
your voice will sound like every bad dream
i’ve ever had.
& i’ll be sorry.
because of all the girls you could’ve had,
the ones with rainy eyes & auburn hair,
the ones without a lazy heart or rickety hands,
you picked me.
because i’ve always loved
things that are burning
& you have a heart like matches.
with your spark-heavy heart
in my hand,
i squeeze until my palms are laced with splinters.
As you left me,
“please don’t go”
on every wall in the basement of how much i loved you.
i always hated the way my mother would
open the door to my darkened bedroom
see me crying
leaving the door open.
after you left, after i spend 3 months crying in my pitch-black basement bedroom
over a love i never once knew how to hold,
i noticed you left the door open.
finally saw that light in the hallway.
pretended that the open door meant you’d be back,
that the bright light was only left on so you could find your way
back to me
and now, after drying my eyes, pulling the covers back,
i finally made it out of bed
the door needs closing.
the light has to go out.
you are not coming back.
i go upstairs and sit down across from my mother, tell her
i love her, ask her if she will help me paint over my
graffiti in the basement.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
you are not coming back.
i don’t need you.
i can make miserable noises all by myself.
i don’t need you.
i already know how to gracefully disappear in a room.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
i’m trying so hard to create
anything beautiful but my hands
just wont do it.
there are clouds in my mouth
im so sorry love do you still
nothing is really astonishing anymore
&everything is dream-like.
things are just sparks in the dark lately
it’s venus where i am or jupiter
if i close my eyes
everything i was or used to be is somewhere else.
i think i spend all night dreaming about what the bottom of a river is like
because nothing feels more like home than drowning.
i drown in absolutely everything
all the time.
i am tired of god & eating
such bad love.
i come from the inside & outside
of whatever world he lives in
I don’t know how to feel I hate autocorrect and I hate apostrophes I hate being correct I want everyone to hate me As much as I hhate myself Everything I do is a dead end I feel like Illinois all the time
God fcuking dammnit I hate capital letters I want every thing I say to be informal And disgustingly annoyinhg I hate that I have a good relationship with someone who loves me and I still want less I still feel like I don’t deserve this or that I deserve to be alone because of how hungry I am I don’t want to be touched I don’t want to forget how to use my teeth or my Wit Listening to mindless techno music is actually all I can do right now I want to rip out all my teeth so whenever I talk it sounds mangled and no one will want to talk to me because I sound like a fucking I don’t know the words I don’t know what to say anymore I feel like I will never write with the eloquence I used to I have lost it all I think Wow I’m fucked I hate that this requires something to be broken in side you People only trust your sadness when there’s a diagnosis I put my face in my hands and hold on for dear life and there isnothing else I can do I hate it all I hate m y inadequacy and my commanding heart I hate being dizzy all the time nad knowing with my whole heart that this is all there is I hate knowing that I will get better because then I will have no excuse to hate myself so much There are sunken parts of me that he can’t reach, they can’t be fucked from between my legs or loved out of my skull or touched out of my hands Because the sadness is still in me and the wreck is still in me and there is nothing to push them away- not a hand or a kiss or a disturbingly gentle word I hate that I can’t write anymore, that it all feels mute and my inclination to express myself feels abandoned In favor of what, though? Drugs and bruises and probably humid air, maybe. I don’t think you want to know what I think about myself or how much I wish my whole body could fall asleep in the way that your arm does when you lay on it weird for a while Ican’t tell you about how often I fall asleep at the back of a whale’s throat just praying to get swallowed like in finding nemo There is so much blood sleeping inside me I could never pour it out in front of you im sorry. I m so sorry that you have to stand next to me like this when I am so naïve and my heart is so hungry inside me it is like a broken ankle all the time when I talk to you. I wish icould put my hands on your face and push away every suffocation you ever endured in the name of love Im sorry that self-destructive obedience is the only thing that makes me feel real and true and right I am mostly sorry that I love you the way that I do because it will eventually kill us both and you will leave and I will be sorry I built such tall towers because when you do I will fall down the stairs and break everything I will fall down out of the towers on t o the ground and then I won’t get to kiss your elbows or put your fingers in my mouth I will just be dirty and broken and dead And that might be it
Dadd y dy dayydydydydyddy dDADDY KNOWS EVERYTHING This font is actually called “Teen” and what the fuck does it MEAN I want a cigarette and I want to fuck Give me what I want I am selfish give me it. I am a five years old girl and I am mad at everyone forever because im not spoiled ROTTEN Spoil me like lbad meat That’s gross what ;leave me a lone eeeeeee im watching the super moon fuck off nerd I called my brother a nersd because he drank all the motherfucking chocolate milk Ddaddddddyydydydydyyd kILL HIM KILL HIM HKILLLLLLLLLLLLLLH IMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Don’t kill him hes my little brother I love him im sorry. Im sorry I m soryyyryryryr Im actually so hyper right now I need to just punch myself a few times I need to find a less physically painful wayt o fall down the stairsssssssss I worked at a place today and made $37 I hate my life because I owe my little brother $25 so like I only made $12 really and I cant buy Cool drugs with that I mean like maybe a dime bag But f that I don’t care Thrift shoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pepepepeep Peeeeee I havt o peeeeeeeeee Everyone LEAVE ME ALONE IM WRITING A NOVEL No im not im wirting about how hyper I am but still Leave me alone Nerds I want to know what 200 pounds of weed looks like I googled it AND It looks cool like a lot of tiny broccolis Daddy issues are a super weird thing to have I wanted to listent o a song but then I went out side and smoked a half a cigarette And I don’t hve to pee anymore I let my brother check his FACE BOOK And now he’s laughing at me he tells me this is why we’re siblings I think this is the beginning of me going crazy Carayzyzyzyayayayayayzyzyzyy My foot itches so badddddddd fuck this gay dumb earth Give me xanax or give me death That’s the motto y’all Fucking FUCK CHOCOLATE MILK I WANT IT SO BAD Hello little doggie Hello jake I see u under the kitchen table u little weirdo Here is the Thing nobody ever f*cking tells u: U will hate your best friend 50% of the time And u will love them the other 50% and that is a science FACT Another science fact: Girls have the same DNA as flowers Actually u have the same DNA as whatever u want U could be a turtle or a fly or even a venus fly trap Fucking SUPERMOON I wonder ifthe supermoon has DNA that would be cool I would want to be the supermoon if I could be something else I want to be nothing sometimes Daddy was telling me the other day about how people ruin everything & I told him I think that ‘s why I love people SO mUCH Because I look at them and see the way that they ruin everything & think its ok Because the way they ruin everything looks just like me And I love them already I hate that word capitalizes everything that’s supposed to becapitalizeddddddd I hate capital lettersssssss I hate spelling and language I want to speak nothing I want to BE NOTHING Can’t stop thinking ”if u do this to me again I will actually vomit” Like FUCK I just wanna hear ur sweet voice that’s all Im needy and stupid n sad Love me Love me love mem love me love me LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT
I don’t give a ficCK IM SO HYPER I COULD KILL EVERYTHIGN Fuckign comic sans who am I Who am I in this world I killed a spider today I am so sorry S o sorrryyyyyy Bu I hate spiders I think it was a wolf spider We googled it It had 8 legs of course it had 8 legs its’ A SPIDER There’s cold pizza on thetable and I think my opa is mad Fr what ever reason lol My phone vibrated in my pocket I know who it is it’s DaddyyyyyY!!!! I’m glad it was Daddy im glasd I was right Im drinking pepsi at 11:04 pm I don’t care I have lost the ability 2 give a fuck about ppl who make me feell like shit and this is a really positibve feeling for me Good vibes and all that u kno I smdh at nerds who try 2 tell me what 2 do bc like, seriously. Go f urself douche If any1 tries to tell me what 2 do I punch their head a hundred times And then spit in their eeye and say ”lol nerd” and then laugh at them because I’M BBYGURL NO 1 CAN TEL L ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO NOT EVEN ANYONE NOT DADDY EVEN Jk I listen to Daddy because hes my Daddy and he knows best Goddamnit im so hyper I killed a spider I took a picture of its coprpse and screamed for at leas t 15 minutes because I was so full of adrenaline Killing spiders gets me really fricked up I hate talking about spider s make me stop make me stop doing anything I can’t even look at myself in the mirror im so weird I just looked at m y armpit hair and got really disgusted but then really proud bc I don’t care no one can tell me to shave my arm pits or I will do the spit-in-the-eye thin g I only belong to Daddy and that ‘s cool because LOVE LOVE IS STUPID& YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT BECASEU EVENTUALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU USE YOUR MONEY TO BUY DRUGS AND U WILL LAUGH AT UR OWN BLOOD WHEN IT COMES OUT OF U
NO ONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT BLLOOD THAN ME I M THE BLOOD QUEEN Say my name and I will fuck u up douchenerd Ha ha ha fuck off forever When dudebros give me grief about my body hair I give them gthe middle finger Ha Take THAT fuckers M is andr y Yeah gurls roule and boys druooooool fuckers I don’t care I od’n’t care I don’t FUCKGING CARE At all About you I only care about me and Daddy and turtles Man I fucking love turtes Im sorry I lied I do care about you Unless you’re a rapist then u can rot in HELL fuckbag I hope u find out ur mom never loved you Because I sure as fuck don’t love u and I don’t care about ur life or the things that happen to u U are a disgusting person and I hope u rot. In hell. Fore ver. Imdrinking pepsie at 11:11 pm I don’t make wishes I make FISTs Fucker I seriously am in so much love with you my hwole life (not rapists tho) im in love with u. im in love with ur heart and ur here-there eyes thank u I am Here And hugging u
i wish i could kiss you every time i saw a baptist church while traveling through the south. i like to stare out the window at passing cars and pretend you’re a passenger in all of them, because it gives me a reason to wave and smile at strangers i will never see again.
my blood feels heavy &
my hands will never be still
& it feels like i am
watching myself moving in circles
around how much i need
i can’t tell if i feel like
in this hotel bath tub
(since i know you think
that’s the worst way to die)
or falling off a 22-story building
(since i also happen to know you think
that’s the best way to die)
or if i should just keep
loving you &
let that kill me
i am kissing onto your back like you are wet cement or an ocean the dead animals inside me don’t stink so bad when you’re around here my head feels like an emergency & i don’t notice the rot in me because of your hand around my neck i love you. we are here & thank you & i am putting stars into your mouth & when your lips are on my lips the whole world gets quiet and also dies. i learned that veins dilate just like pupils do & mine are like pipe-cleaners now when you breathe on my cheek i love you my sleep has been a type of neglect so closing my eyes helps me stop from spinning. when i think about the bruising & the barely-breathing & the begging it is harder than usual for me to keep from touching my heart with my dirty fingers
1. get high with your taurian brother and over-analyze everything. Realize that while you’re articulating some of your troubles, he’s silent. Recognize that to your older brother, you are second best. Notice how he handcuffs himself to a bottle at night so he’ll stop thinking and go to sleep. Care more about everyone more than you do yourself.
2. Worry about a boy you used to love sleeping next to you,his pain drifting in and out with every content snore. Hes comfortable with you, and all you can do is worry about him.
3. Go to a party with your best friend and get drunk and then make out with her after taking off your tops. Let people take videos and be gossiped out through the halls on monday morning. Hello, Vixen, nice to meet you.
4. Isolate yourself from all those you adore. Call it “lonely”, call it “guarded”, call it “help me god i have done this to myself”.
5.Criticize the people around you in order to focus on them better. If you can have flaws, then goddamnit, they can too.
6.Lie in bed at night and think to yourself, (from beneath you glow-in-the-dark stars, your pokemon blanket, snuggled up with your stuffed unicorn) “How beautifully chaotic it is, to be sixteen.”
Your beauty is
askewed by what feels like the
biggest ocean in this world.
Distant in more than one sense of the word.
You shoot me with your one-word arrows
they go right through my chest.
Clean, cut, handsome.
And as I count the holes in me,
wishing you’d just touch them,
I find out where I belong.
Pat Benetar said once that Love
is a battlefield.
Maybe she forgot to also explain
how we reenact a different World War
you, crawling into bed with me.
And my legs ache like I’ve been
standing for 23 years,
but you never came to bed.
Let Germany rejoice.
We’ve avoided a catastrophe.
i’ve been meaning to ask you all sorts of things.
things about lava lamps,
navigational skills, patience, ice cream.
mythology. museums. musicals.
i lay awake at night
wanting for you to be around to answer.
to hear me say, half-dreaming,
“i love you. i love you. i love you.
i think about you before i sleep.”
all i want in this life
is to wake up in the middle of the night
to find myself wrapped around you—
my bruised kneecaps against
the perfect hinge of your legs,
my chest cradling the brick in the small of your back—
and make sleepy love.
i want to wake up in the midst of a blizzard,
4 a.m coming down,
and ask you (softly) if you are awake
and receive only kisses
as an answer.
i wrote this for you.
would you like to sleep here
i miss you
can you come to my house three months from now
and help me rearrange my furniture
so i dont get terrified of everything
i like the way you reject me all the time
i like when you ignore me
it confirms the preconceived notion i have
that i am not important
thank you for your time
your 3 a.m. friend
i snap my hairtie against my wrist.
and stare at the redness.
this doesn’t mean a lot to me.
i like when my skin looks paper thin,
like i could rip it open with a whisper.
i run my fingers over the red welts
and think, carefully
“I feel nothing.
the brain inside my skull could fall out
26 seconds from now
& it would feel like a million years ago.”
and when i scratch my pen on the paper
it sounds like helicopters.
i lay my head on the carpet and
push my face into the ground,
clench and unclench my fists 6 times,
and still feel nothing.
i run my fingers over the red welts.
i realize that before i was a girl,
i was a ghost.
i run my fingers over the red welts.
i have never known how to be near
to anything that isn’t burning.
i snap my hairtie against my wrist.
i run my fingers over the red welts.
i feel nothing.
i wanna lie on a trampoline in the summer with you this seems more romantic than most things there will be fireflies in the bushes and we will kiss a little and feel good about the bouncy surface beneath us
i wasn’t feeling sad when i started writing this but now for some reason i am
i am smoking my last cigarette.
this depresses me.
what also depresses me is my whole life.
my sister is moving to madison in three weeks and i am scared shitless
because she makes me so happy
and she will still make me happy when she is gone
and i will write her letters
and skype with her when i’ve had a lot of beers
and text her when she’s drunk and laugh at how horrible her conversation skills are
and still love her so much, from 328 miles away.
i have finished my cigarette, and my tears are frozen to my face.
because it is cold in minnesota
but it’s cold in Madison, too.
i think that when two ghosts fall in love, it just sounds like a whisper. i also am worried that if you were to cut me, maybe to see if my blood was sick, only sand would pour out. or maybe nothing at all. what kinds of things do glass girls keep in them? there is a boy in my algebra class and his name is Basil and he is very nice but i wish he drank because i want everyone to be as terrible as me. i hope i am still your favourite accident! i am very hungry and i know that at some point last night, i dreamt i was in one of those big houses, one with a green door. i am thinking a lot about a lot:
i am terrible at finances.
i want another rat.
the weather right now is very beautiful.
talking about college/graduation makes my head hurt.
i feel like i am on adderall but know that i am not.
when i am alone, i underline my scars with a red ballpoint pen. like ophelia, i am sallow with shame, regret this. regret this. i have climbed this willow tree of you, and fallen into the brook of our quiet wars below me. i am drowned in attrition. you may speak of me at my funeral, lay peonies and daisies on my grave, "sweets to the sweet" and after that, after all that extravagance, i’m not mentioned again. wiped from the stage like a stray prop, tricking the audience into believing that it was never there, not even by accident.
i sat at the foot of my bed for ~20 minutes i put my hands in my mouth i touched my gums and my teeth and i touched my tongue sometimes i do that because i like the sound and other times i do it because i need to know what teeth are i’m sorry for all the times on my porch i’m sorry i brought up other boys I’m sorry i talked about outerspace all the time i hope you lay in your bed tonight and cough up your heart onto those grey jersey sheets i hope you choke on the memory of my exposed lungs when you pulled me open at the sternum and brushed the tangles out of my ribs i wish i could build a lake big enough for me to sleep in alone
Hello friends! I have published another book of poems, called “Haunted Hotel”. i wrote these all today, so it’s relatively short. It would be much appreciated if you read it, but if you do and it’s not your cup of tea, that’s okay as well! I love you! Your mom loves you! Puppies exist!
I first came across Casey Ashman’s writing while (what else?) surfing the “alt lit” tag on tumblr, and I was immediately struck with the fragility and emotional depth of her writing. Casey recently published an ebook, I Don’t Know if You Panic on the Phone, and she agreed to talk about it…
Just did an interview— how exciting! This feels so official!
A Failed Attempt at Projecting My Adoration Into The Written Word
~thank you i am here i imagine us sitting in the laundry room without shirts on you laugh at me when i say “i don’t care about poems that aren’t about love” (even though i’m laughing as well, and not really serious about that statement) i imagine reaching out to touch your hair and say “boys are idiots” and in earnest, you’re an idiot. but so am i. I’m not a boy, i mean, but i am quite the dunce. ha ha ha ha once you told me it was okay to be fragile and breakable, because I’m “mortal” but then i just giggled nervously and said “but i’m not real at all” and this whole poem is really only about the rainsong of your hips and the words you say without making a sound, really. i am sorry that i like you better than my own butt. i am sorry that you aren’t eating sandwiches with me in my bed right now. i am sorry the lines of this poem aren’t long enough to connect our fingertips. i think, really most of all, i apologize for knowing that no line, no stanza or limerick could get me as close to you as i need to be. you’ve drawn sonnets on me without ever being within 17 feet of my body.