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where does it go

April 22nd
3:26 pm

i wrote this in the dark pt. 5

my only advice:
-kill boys who ignore you
-don’t listen to anyone who talks shit about you
-kill anyone who gives a fuck about your body hair
-kill anyone who makes the rules 
-when you get bored it’s okay to turn into a destroyer of worlds
-find a boy who makes your nerves spasm & fuck him like you’re sasha grey
-kill anyone who makes you cry
-cum twice
-when your ex calls you don’t pick up the fucking phone
-but if you do, tell him he’s a rotten sack of shit
-change your clothes & go dancing if it makes you feel better
-fuck the rules
-fuck the patriarchy
-fuck yeah
-go out into the world with the wind in your hair & get that dick

April 22nd
1:43 pm

sorry i was so drunk on blood
i couldn’t even see straight
i know bra straps & empty heads
make my fingernails sting when i
didn’t even know they could
i wore someone else’s shoes &
fell in quick love with a girl whose hair was
thick as blood, honey, sticky when
the rum got spilled in my lap
mirrors & red lights & here-there
everything, spinning like sleep
or smack, slippery veins & pale skin
sorry mom sorry god
i’m coming home covered in the
smell of snow & milkweed
i never carry my heart anywhere
but you’ve got yours in your pocket
& your head against the wall
in the bathroom with the smoke

April 22nd
12:02 pm

i wrote this in the dark pt. 4

i hate you for ignoring me but
i wanna fuck you for it too
i love boys who can only give me absence
don’t you understand?
baby i’m bored let’s go
let’s go somewhere that smells 
clean & damp like nowhere
i’ve been before
let’s be the people 
that our sisters
want us to be

April 22nd
10:17 am

april first

none of this makes sense to me idk i made my bed & it turned out to be a grave instead a boy gave it to me he looked at me in a way that makes me want to be in his bed & he dug my grave when he called me princess mama my tummy hurts i gave it all away & now i’m empty like the belly of venus & i have nowhere to run i fight it i fight it i fight it me & him almost had it we tried & it’s not fair he said he loves me & i gave him that look like “don’t pretend you don’t break everything” he’s lovely mama his cum is like warm milk he went missing mama he disappeared for a week & when he came back it wasn’t to me it was to a bottle & when i kissed him i could taste the wasted & it made me want to cut my hair i’m done fucking boys who don’t love weapons i’m gonna find me a boy with a knife collection & fuck him good & hard he can put his hand up my dress like “babygirl don’t worry i promise it’s not gonna hurt” & we’ll be so in love he’ll sneak in the window to bring me bottles of gin & oxys he’ll be scorpio & he’ll break everything i love, he’ll rob me blind & fuck my whole world & i’ll let him his fingers up inside me are gonna feel heavenly he can smell the need through the walls of my bedroom i fucking swear i wanna find a boy who has a thing for alcoholics or is one then we can get punch-drunk in the laundry room of his apartment building we’ll play dice & he’ll win he’ll take everything he always will boys who love you will always take their love away so you shouldn’t let them lie to you & tell you that they won’t

April 22nd
8:34 am

learned helplessness

i can’t sleep & i can’t eat
i read through all my old journals &
they were all filled with boys i don’t
give a fuck about anymore i want
a knife i want sleep i want to be emptied
& i want the pull of the moon i want sharpness &
opiates & gin. drink yourself to death
if you love me you’re a fucking idiot
boys are all just stains they can fuck off away from me
fuck him & fuck him & fuck him & fuck him.
i wanna live on mars motherfucker don’t look at me
i hate kissing nobody can undress me ever again
my room is dark & quiet & safe so i’m never
ever fucking leaving it &
if a boy ever wants to follow me home
i’m gonna fucking light him on fire
all i like doing is drinking coffee &
disappearing &
plotting the death of
every boy
who looks at me
like that

April 22nd
6:52 am

i wrote this in the dark pt. 3

i promise baby if you die
before i die i’ll fall asleep
in the same goddam coffin
& that’s true love motherfucker

April 22nd
5:09 am

i talk sexy to boys who don’t love me because it makes me feel touched.
i think about snails a lot & drinking gin which makes me think about skin
which i hate. teeth are the only thing that never fails
to make me feel better. i feel very strangely about boy people.
i don’t even think they know they’re thought of by me, mostly.
i’m at burger king but i won’t eat because i feel stupid when i do
so i don’t.
my mom made breakfast the other morning & she came into my room
to tell me it was ready,
i asked her why she’s always making breakfast
when i don’t eat

April 22nd
3:26 am

i wrote this in the dark pt. 2

you asked me if love
ever got scared of things
& i looked at one spot on the
wall & said “fuck if i know”
but what i really meant was
"all the time, i bet"

April 22nd
1:44 am

i wrote this in the dark pt. 1

it’s hard to carry
that heart aint it
i’d be lying if i said 
i didn’t know exactly how that
feels, it isn’t easy
i know you see me pull
away when you try & touch
my thigh but please
don’t take those hands
you know i’m your wound
i can’t breathe when you’re
far away like that

April 22nd
1:04 am

reminder that this is still totally a thing that i made 

April 22nd
1:01 am

this is me right now lmao i have school at 8 tomorrow morning but i’m not even gonna try to look like i give a fuck

this is me right now lmao i have school at 8 tomorrow morning but i’m not even gonna try to look like i give a fuck