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a collection of writings by Casey Ashman


As you left me,
i wrote
“please don’t go”
on every wall in the basement of how much i loved you.
i always hated the way my mother would
open the door to my darkened bedroom
see me crying
walk out—
leaving the door open.
after you left, after i spend 3 months crying in my pitch-black basement bedroom
over a love i never once knew how to hold,
i noticed you left the door open.
finally saw that light in the hallway.
pretended that the open door meant you’d be back,
that the bright light was only left on so you could find your way
back to me
and now, after drying my eyes, pulling the covers back,
i finally made it out of bed
the door needs closing.
the light has to go out.
you are not coming back.
i go upstairs and sit down across from my mother, tell her
i love her, ask her if she will help me paint over my
graffiti in the basement.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
you are not coming back.
i don’t need you.
i can make miserable noises all by myself.
i don’t need you.
i already know how to gracefully disappear in a room.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.

i’m trying so hard to create
anything beautiful but my hands
just wont do it.
there are clouds in my mouth
im so sorry love do you still
love me?
nothing is really astonishing anymore
&everything is dream-like.
things are just sparks in the dark lately
it’s venus where i am or jupiter
if i close my eyes
everything i was or used to be is somewhere else.
forever, maybe.
i think i spend all night dreaming about what the bottom of a river is like
because nothing feels more like home than drowning.
i drown in absolutely everything
all the time.
i am tired of god & eating
such bad love.
i come from the inside & outside
of whatever world he lives in

June 24th
12:54 am

 I don’t know how to feel
I hate autocorrect and I hate apostrophes
I hate being correct
I want everyone to hate me
As much as  I hhate myself
Everything I do is a dead end
I feel like Illinois all the time

 

God fcuking dammnit I hate capital letters
I want every thing I say to be informal
And disgustingly annoyinhg
I hate that I have a good relationship with someone who loves me and I still want less
I still feel like I don’t deserve this or that I deserve to be alone because of how hungry I am
I don’t want to be touched
I don’t want to forget how to use my teeth or my
Wit
Listening to mindless techno music is actually all I can do right now I want to rip out all my teeth so whenever I talk it sounds mangled and no one will want to talk to me because I sound like a fucking
I don’t know the words
I don’t know what to say anymore I feel like I will never write with the eloquence I used to
I have lost it all I think
Wow I’m fucked
I hate that this requires something to be broken in side you
People only trust your sadness when there’s a diagnosis
I put my face in my hands and hold on for dear life and there isnothing else I can do I hate it all I hate m y inadequacy and my commanding heart
I hate being dizzy all the time and knowing with my whole heart that this is all there is
I hate knowing that I will get better because then I will have no excuse to hate myself so much
There are sunken parts of me that he can’t reach, they can’t be fucked from between my legs or loved out of my skull or touched out of my hands
Because the sadness is still in me and the wreck is still in me and there is nothing to push them away- not a hand or a kiss or a disturbingly gentle word
I hate that I can’t write anymore, that it all feels mute and my inclination to express myself feels abandoned
In favor of what, though?
Drugs and bruises and probably humid air, maybe. I don’t think you want to know what I think about myself or how much I wish my whole body could fall asleep in the way that your arm does when you lay on it weird for a while
Ican’t tell you about how often I fall asleep at the back of a whale’s throat just praying to get swallowed like in finding nemo
There is so much blood sleeping inside me I could never pour it out in front of you im sorry. I m so sorry that you have to stand next to me like this when I am so naïve and my heart is so hungry inside me it is like a broken ankle all the time when I talk to you. I wish icould put my hands on your face and push away every suffocation you ever endured in the name of love
Im sorry that self-destructive obedience is the only thing that makes me feel real and true and right
I am mostly sorry that I love you the way that I do because it will eventually kill us both and you will leave and I will be sorry I built such tall towers because when you do I will fall down the stairs and break everything
I will fall down out of the towers on t o the ground and then I won’t get to kiss your elbows or put your fingers in my mouth
I will just be dirty and broken and dead
And that might be it

June 24th
12:50 am

Dadd y dy dayydydydydyddy dDADDY KNOWS EVERYTHING
This font is actually called “Teen” and what the fuck does it MEAN
I want a cigarette and I want to fuck
Give me what I want I am selfish give me it.
I am a five years old girl and I am mad at everyone forever because im not spoiled ROTTEN
Spoil me like lbad meat
That’s gross what
;leave me a lone eeeeeee
im watching the super moon fuck off nerd
I called my brother a nersd because he drank all the motherfucking chocolate milk
Ddaddddddyydydydydyyd kILL HIM KILL HIM HKILLLLLLLLLLLLLLH IMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Don’t kill him hes my little brother I love him im sorry. Im sorry I m soryyyryryryr
Im actually so hyper right now I need to just punch myself a few times
I need to find a less physically painful wayt o fall down the stairsssssssss
I worked at a place today and made $37 I hate my life because I owe my little brother $25 so like I only made $12 really and I cant buy
Cool drugs with that
I mean like maybe a dime bag
But f that
I don’t care
Thrift shoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pepepepeep
Peeeeee
I havt o peeeeeeeeee
Everyone LEAVE ME ALONE IM WRITING A NOVEL
No im not im wirting about how hyper I am but still
Leave me alone
Nerds
I want to know what 200 pounds of weed looks like
I googled it AND
It looks cool like a lot of tiny broccolis
Daddy issues are a super weird thing to have
I wanted to listent o a song but then I went out side and smoked a half a cigarette
And I don’t hve to pee anymore I let my brother check his FACE BOOK
And now he’s laughing at me he tells me this is why we’re siblings
I think this is the beginning of me going crazy Carayzyzyzyayayayayayzyzyzyy
My foot itches so badddddddd fuck this gay dumb earth
Give me xanax or give me death
That’s the motto y’all
Fucking FUCK CHOCOLATE MILK I WANT IT SO BAD
Hello little doggie
Hello jake I see u under the kitchen table u little weirdo
Here is the Thing nobody ever f*cking tells u:
U will hate your best friend 50% of the time
And u will love them the other 50% and that is a science FACT
Another science fact:
Girls have the same DNA as flowers
Actually u have the same DNA as whatever u want
U could be a turtle or a fly or even a venus fly trap
Fucking SUPERMOON
I wonder ifthe supermoon has DNA that would be cool I would want to be the supermoon if I could be something else
I want to be nothing sometimes
Daddy was telling me the other day about how people ruin everything &
I told him I think that ‘s why I love people SO mUCH
Because I look at them and see the way that they ruin everything & think its ok
Because the way they ruin everything looks just like me
And I love them already
I hate that word capitalizes everything that’s supposed to becapitalizeddddddd
I hate capital lettersssssss
I hate spelling and language
I want to speak nothing
I want to BE NOTHING
Can’t stop thinking 
”if u do this to me again I will actually vomit”
Like FUCK
I just wanna hear ur sweet voice that’s all
Im needy and stupid n sad
Love me
Love me love mem love me love me
LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT

OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE

 

June 24th
12:43 am

I don’t give a ficCK IM SO HYPER I COULD KILL EVERYTHIGN
Fuckign comic sans who am I
Who am I in this world
I killed a spider today I am so sorry
S o     sorrryyyyyy
Bu I hate spiders I think it was a wolf spider
We googled it
It had 8 legs of course it had 8 legs its’ A SPIDER
There’s cold pizza on thetable and I think my opa is mad
Fr what ever reason lol
My phone vibrated in my pocket I know who it is it’s DaddyyyyyY!!!!
I’m glad it was Daddy im glasd I was right
Im drinking pepsi at 11:04 pm I don’t care
I have lost the ability 2 give a fuck about ppl who make me feell like shit and this is a really positibve feeling for me
Good vibes and all that u kno
I smdh at nerds who try 2 tell me what 2 do bc like, seriously.
Go f urself douche
If any1 tries to tell me what 2 do I punch their head a hundred times
And then spit in their eeye and say 
”lol nerd” and then laugh at them because I’M BBYGURL NO 1 CAN TEL L ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO
NOT EVEN ANYONE
NOT DADDY EVEN
Jk I listen to Daddy because hes my Daddy and he knows best
Goddamnit im so hyper I killed a spider
I took a picture of its coprpse and screamed for at leas t 15 minutes because I was so full of adrenaline
Killing spiders gets me really fricked up
I hate talking about spider s make me stop make me stop doing anything I can’t even look at myself in the mirror im so weird
I just looked at m y armpit hair and got really disgusted but then really proud bc I don’t care no one can tell me to shave my arm pits or I will do the spit-in-the-eye thin g
I only belong to Daddy and that ‘s cool because LOVE
LOVE IS STUPID& YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT BECASEU EVENTUALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU USE YOUR MONEY TO BUY DRUGS AND U WILL LAUGH AT UR OWN BLOOD WHEN IT COMES OUT OF U

NO ONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT BLLOOD THAN ME I M THE BLOOD QUEEN
Say my name and I will fuck u up douchenerd
Ha ha ha fuck off forever
When dudebros give me grief about my body hair I give them gthe middle finger
Ha
Take THAT fuckers
M is andr y
Yeah gurls roule and boys druooooool fuckers
I don’t care I od’n’t care
I don’t FUCKGING CARE
At all
About you
I only care about me and Daddy and turtles
Man I fucking love turtes
Im sorry I lied I do care about you
Unless you’re a rapist then u can rot in HELL fuckbag
I hope u find out ur mom never loved you
Because I sure as fuck don’t love u and I don’t care about ur life or the things that happen to u
U are a disgusting person and I hope u rot. In hell. Fore ver.
Imdrinking pepsie at 11:11 pm
I don’t make wishes
I make FISTs
Fucker
I seriously am in so much love with you my hwole life (not rapists tho) im in love with u. im in love with ur heart and ur here-there eyes thank u I am
Here
And hugging u

 

June 17th
9:46 pm

i wish i could kiss you
every time i saw a baptist church
while traveling through the south.
i like to stare out the window
at passing cars and pretend
you’re a passenger in all of them,
because it gives me a reason to wave
and smile at strangers
i will never see again.

June 13th
11:16 pm

my blood feels heavy &
my hands will never be still
& it feels like i am
watching myself moving in circles
around how much i need
love.
i can’t tell if i feel like
drowning myself
in this hotel bath tub
(since i know you think
that’s the worst way to die)
or falling off a 22-story building
(since i also happen to know you think
that’s the best way to die)
or if i should just keep
loving you &
let that kill me
instead.

June 2nd
1:48 pm

i am kissing onto your back
like you are wet cement
or an ocean
the dead animals inside me
don’t stink so bad when
you’re around here
my head feels like an emergency
& i don’t notice the rot in me
because of your hand around
my neck i love you.
we are here & thank you
& i am putting stars
into your mouth
& when your lips are on
my lips the whole world
gets quiet and also dies.
i learned that veins dilate
just like pupils do & mine
are like pipe-cleaners now when you
breathe on my cheek i love you
my sleep has been a type
of neglect so closing my eyes
helps me stop from spinning.
when i think about the bruising &
the barely-breathing & the begging
it is harder than usual for me
to keep from touching my heart
with my dirty fingers

May 7th
9:46 pm

Hello friends!

i have published another ebook called “Indoor Voices”!
it can be read here
thank you for your time! I love you so much.
x
actualhobo

April 7th
11:59 pm

strip me of my clothes
my anxieties
my pride
my sadness
tell me you love me.
when you have my heart clenched
between your
once-in-a-while smile,
tell me you still do.
tell me it never gets easier.

April 2nd
3:26 pm

i will never really find the wounds
you left.
I won’t go looking for them,
anyway.

Because i know that the second i think
it’s time to heal,
you’ll be there again.

making me want to touch your hand.
making me want to save you.
making me want to keep you.

so when people stare at me
and say,
"with scars like that,
who’s ever gonna love her?”

i’ll think to myself,
"I don’t even feel them anymore."

s.t.