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where does it go

i sit outside in the wind smoking a cigarette 
& among thoughts of birds &airplane trajectories
there’s the quiet thought of me kissing your head &
calling you handsome
you’re the best boyfriend i ever met even if you have
communication issues i still want to not hurt your feelings
i like how when i pick at my skin & ruin it you still
put your hands on me like rain
i’m tired of the way i hurt myself im
tired baby can i stay the night? i can taste that
bottle of sailor jerry’s across the room & i 
bought us cokes from the gas station down the block
i love you & i want you to love me forever somewhere but
i want you to let me leave because boys will
never understand how heavy a crown is, 
how easily we disappear, how bad it hurts to fall from the 
top of those stairs all down to the bottom just because someone
forgot to say they love me more than god or anything at all
i can only happen like a thunderstorm,
all at once,
all at once & i want so badly for it to be easy,
want so badly to be like rain: soft & pretty to feel, but im not & 
im sorry your mama never told you that
some girls light fires because they like to watch you burn

a boy is a ghost is a ghost is a boy

i used to know a boy
whose knuckles were at least a thousand miles away
but would leave bruises on my arms
like stigmata
after he said goodbye the last time we ever spoke,
i banged my wrists against the steering wheel
in the macdonald’s parking lot & 
i swore to myself then that i wouldn’t eat until
that boy called me back & promised he’d stay,
& here i am 3 weeks after, realizing only now that my teeth
are sharp enough to kill him, to devour him neck-first,
that forcing myself to disappear does not count as revenge
a friend told me the other day that im like a wolf
protective of all that i hold, fearless, that i tear flesh
not of necessity but of sport
he said “damn the gods for every night you are not blessed
a full moon”
i slept almost 18 hours yesterday but when i woke up
i was hungry
& when i thought about him today it hurt
but he is not a ghost inside my head
& i have to stop pretending im haunted

i’m good at falling in love with people i’ve never met and i’m good at sitting in a boy’s lap, like “yeah i know you like it” i’m good at kissing hard and being blind, good at dragging the past around behind me like a tattered blanket, good at burying myself and my heart and stars six feet deep so a boy can never find me or the way i kill everything i fuck

i’m bad at not being damaged

i think about you & start
talking to myself in the dark
daddy where do you
keep going?
i want to kiss girls that 
know how to keep blood
in their mouth where it belongs
i try to hold mine in & it 
bleeds all over me anyhow
i think the inside of my throat 
is where cigarettes &
hearts go to die 
my chest is probably full of 
the same dull hum i
hear in my brain all day
blue brain matter &
thick blood moving slow
through everything
else inside me
i’m a junkyard girl
all smashed metal & scraps
there’s a dog where my
heart is 
leaving teeth marks on
everything im a girl so i 
never felt clean enough
to be seen but now that i’m
here next to someone who looks 
at me like nothing’s there
i think i can feel stars
crawling up & exploding
at the back of my throat

i’m in love with the way some boys know not to turn the lights on too quick when they wayke me up after i’ve been asleep a long time & my bones feel like sores from the bed & the yellowy-white of the sheets is the same colour as my skin, in love with the way some of them know how to drown my ghosts

there’s a science to love & there’s a science to breathing & laughter & people & everything that looks anything like a gunshot wound. i am in my body by accident & i think love makes me go somewhere else all the time. im hiding from boys because im scared of them & i don’t really ever know how dark they are until i’m already swallowed whole. its like you take your heart & your whole life too & you cry into it, you turn off the lights because you know it makes sense & feels safer that way, like if you can’t see where the bullet went in, it was never there in the first place at all. he goes through you like a shotgun shell or a ghost and aren’t they the same? his knuckles & neck crack but what you heard was a bruise you still don’t know how to find, quite.
"your heart is still bleeding" he said.
it always is

i should’ve taken ecstasy with you
should’ve kept my hands in my own pants
should’ve never let my tongue come away
from my teeth
should’ve told you i had a girlfriend
to this day i put my head on a pillow
& hear you blushing
i’m sorry i didn’t ever tell you
that some women aren’t meant
to be anybody’s anything.
that i never showed you the hoarse throat
& anger-stained heart
i inherited like blue eyes from my parents
never told you that my eyes get drunk &
look like bedrooms in basements &
cause car wrecks.
i’m sorry i never told you
i didn’t love you

Boys (from Scorpio Ascendant)

All boys are stupid I only ever wanted to be a GIRL
put ur dick away & tell me about ur sister!!!
where does she live
what color is her hair.. does
she listen to the national
can I kiss her DO SHE
I looooove being close to girls they r so soft!
and they smell good wow I l o ve being a girl!
I get to be cute n sexy even
when im puking out the window of ur Subaru
all I kno about is benzos and coffee and cigarettes!
its like my heart is drunk all it does is
cause accidents.
all girls r best friends and twins but they don’t know itttt
sometimes when a girl is doing my makeup & she gets real close
to my face & uses her finger to wipe something off
& my brain goes “WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO”  but
my hands do all the talking anyhow
I can explain my whole life in 2 emojis:
*cigarette* *sunglasses emjoi*
I think in a nother life I was a jelly fish bc when they get
left in the sun too long
their bodies evaporate bc they’re like 98% water!
I drew a jelly fish holding a cigarette & that’s me

i can never figure out how
to start a poem until
it’s over
until my eyes close
and shake like spring
and everything just settles,
like dust in the corner.
the words go stale as soon as
they leave my mouth,
and i hide inside them like a circus ring
teeth to tongue, lips pursed tight
he takes away his hands when
i ask him to touch me
all the things that crawl into my heart
through my mouth
come unstapled
my eyes are always looking
another way,
never dry.
i can’t keep these goddamn hands
away from my teeth
i can’t stop coughing and