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where does it go

a boy is a ghost is a ghost is a boy

i used to know a boy
whose knuckles were at least a thousand miles away
but would leave bruises on my arms
like stigmata
after he said goodbye the last time we ever spoke,
i banged my wrists against the steering wheel
in the macdonald’s parking lot & 
i swore to myself then that i wouldn’t eat until
that boy called me back & promised he’d stay,
& here i am 3 weeks after, realizing only now that my teeth
are sharp enough to kill him, to devour him neck-first,
that forcing myself to disappear does not count as revenge
a friend told me the other day that im like a wolf
protective of all that i hold, fearless, that i tear flesh
not of necessity but of sport
he said “damn the gods for every night you are not blessed
a full moon”
i slept almost 18 hours yesterday but when i woke up
i was hungry
& when i thought about him today it hurt
but he is not a ghost inside my head
& i have to stop pretending im haunted

i think about you & start
talking to myself in the dark
daddy where do you
keep going?
i want to kiss girls that 
know how to keep blood
in their mouth where it belongs
i try to hold mine in & it 
bleeds all over me anyhow
i think the inside of my throat 
is where cigarettes &
hearts go to die 
my chest is probably full of 
the same dull hum i
hear in my brain all day
blue brain matter &
thick blood moving slow
through everything
else inside me
i’m a junkyard girl
all smashed metal & scraps
there’s a dog where my
heart is 
leaving teeth marks on
everything im a girl so i 
never felt clean enough
to be seen but now that i’m
here next to someone who looks 
at me like nothing’s there
i think i can feel stars
crawling up & exploding
at the back of my throat

i’m in love with the way some boys know not to turn the lights on too quick when they wayke me up after i’ve been asleep a long time & my bones feel like sores from the bed & the yellowy-white of the sheets is the same colour as my skin, in love with the way some of them know how to drown my ghosts

there’s a science to love & there’s a science to breathing & laughter & people & everything that looks anything like a gunshot wound. i am in my body by accident & i think love makes me go somewhere else all the time. im hiding from boys because im scared of them & i don’t really ever know how dark they are until i’m already swallowed whole. its like you take your heart & your whole life too & you cry into it, you turn off the lights because you know it makes sense & feels safer that way, like if you can’t see where the bullet went in, it was never there in the first place at all. he goes through you like a shotgun shell or a ghost and aren’t they the same? his knuckles & neck crack but what you heard was a bruise you still don’t know how to find, quite.
"your heart is still bleeding" he said.
it always is

i should’ve taken ecstasy with you
should’ve kept my hands in my own pants
should’ve never let my tongue come away
from my teeth
should’ve told you i had a girlfriend
to this day i put my head on a pillow
& hear you blushing
i’m sorry i didn’t ever tell you
that some women aren’t meant
to be anybody’s anything.
that i never showed you the hoarse throat
& anger-stained heart
i inherited like blue eyes from my parents
never told you that my eyes get drunk &
look like bedrooms in basements &
cause car wrecks.
i’m sorry i never told you
i didn’t love you

Boys (from Scorpio Ascendant)

All boys are stupid I only ever wanted to be a GIRL
put ur dick away & tell me about ur sister!!!
where does she live
what color is her hair.. does
she listen to the national
can I kiss her DO SHE
I looooove being close to girls they r so soft!
and they smell good wow I l o ve being a girl!
I get to be cute n sexy even
when im puking out the window of ur Subaru
all I kno about is benzos and coffee and cigarettes!
its like my heart is drunk all it does is
cause accidents.
all girls r best friends and twins but they don’t know itttt
sometimes when a girl is doing my makeup & she gets real close
to my face & uses her finger to wipe something off
& my brain goes “WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO”  but
my hands do all the talking anyhow
I can explain my whole life in 2 emojis:
*cigarette* *sunglasses emjoi*
I think in a nother life I was a jelly fish bc when they get
left in the sun too long
their bodies evaporate bc they’re like 98% water!
I drew a jelly fish holding a cigarette & that’s me

i can never figure out how
to start a poem until
it’s over
until my eyes close
and shake like spring
and everything just settles,
like dust in the corner.
the words go stale as soon as
they leave my mouth,
and i hide inside them like a circus ring
teeth to tongue, lips pursed tight
he takes away his hands when
i ask him to touch me
all the things that crawl into my heart
through my mouth
come unstapled
my eyes are always looking
another way,
never dry.
i can’t keep these goddamn hands
away from my teeth
i can’t stop coughing and


birch-tree boys

all i needed was luck but
knocking on would only left
splinters of you in my knuckles
& when i pulled them out
all i felt was tired.
& what’s more,
is that the grain of whatever wood
i knocked on–
trees, your coffee table, the rafters in the attic–
it only reminded me of your skin
& the knots just looked like stars
embedded in the pale smooth
of your forearms.
yours is a heart i will never mean to break
but when i do,
& i say this with a sigh,
you will leave splinters,
you will break like bones inside me,
your voice will sound like every bad dream
i’ve ever had.
& i’ll be sorry.
because of all the girls you could’ve had,
the ones with rainy eyes & auburn hair,
the ones without a lazy heart or rickety hands,
you picked me.
because i’ve always loved
things that are burning
& you have a heart like matches.
with your spark-heavy heart
in my hand,
i squeeze until my palms are laced with splinters.
these splinters.

hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!V i wrote another ebook sorry