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where does it go

June 10th
6:52 am

i miss you at stoplights & when my bed feels empty like it has since you left i feel like a disease like i close my eyes & your hands shake over me i’m sorry i didn’t try hard enough, i should’ve made you stay, should’ve given you a reason to should’ve  danced naked in the living room again just so you’d know i’d miss you when you left “i’ll really miss you” i do
i love you & the bruises on my thighs will tell you the same i can’t stop driving by your apartment building you’re everywhere i go i buried you in every place i’d been since i met you & i can’t stop seeing ghosts, they tell me they’ve never had a body well baby you can have mind you can move into this haunted house 3 bathrooms 5 bedrooms & a smoke stained basement all that & more, $180000 ghosts & all
i can’t remember how i felt when you left i make shit up so i don’t feel bad for being scared shitless and so no one knows i am i miss you i miss you i miss you i’ll write it on every fucking wall till they’re black i’ll miss you forever, i’ll wait here in the ditch for a solar eclipse or for you to come home whichever comes first i was never sorry for leaving a boy but now i just wish i could nail daisies to your forehead & eat up all your badness  wish i could hold your head in my lap & make you want me again

May 11th
5:42 pm

my sister’s birthday

i think about you & start talking to myself in the dark
daddy where do you keep going?
i want to kiss girls that know how to keep blood
in their mouth where it belongs
i try to hold mine in & it bleeds all over me anyhow
i think the inside of my throat is where
cigarettes & hearts go to die
my chest is probably full of the same dull hum i hear
in my brain all day
blue brain matter & thick blood moving slow
through everything else inside me
i’m a junkyard girl all smashed metal & scraps
there’s a dog where my heart was
leaving teeth marks on everything i love
im a girl so i never felt clean enough
to be seen but now that im
here next to a boy who looks at me like nothing’s there
i can feel the stars crawling up & exploding
at the back of my throat

April 22nd
11:53 pm

white knuckles

everything’s gone violet & i’m underneath that
all by myself
i don’t think i want my fingers to work anymore
i painted my nails but it didn’t make me feel
any prettier, pretty at all
i woke up this morning & couldn’t tell if it was 6AM
or 6PM so i went back to sleep
but not before i finished off
a bottle of moscato  for breakfast
thought for a few minutes about a boy i know
he’s far away but we’re two rooms in the same house
he’s a terrible stupid idiot & i knew it from the start
it’s so nice to think that a boy will come back to you
but when he does, when he did, it didn’t matter,
never ever will
because he’s still so out of reach
& he would be even if he was on top of you
& when you fall for him again you don’t make a fucking sound
your eyes go soft & soft & soft 
but you’re a ray of sunshine & nothing fucking scares you
you don’t have to care about him at all
you don’t have to believe him when he says he cares about you
boys don’t care about anything but themselves
& their own shitty lives
they want it all
you don’t have to say anything but 
"fuck that
fuck you
& fuck your heaven”

April 22nd
6:52 am

i wrote this in the dark pt. 3

i promise baby if you die
before i die i’ll fall asleep
in the same goddam coffin
& that’s true love motherfucker

April 22nd
1:44 am

i wrote this in the dark pt. 1

it’s hard to carry
that heart aint it
i’d be lying if i said 
i didn’t know exactly how that
feels, it isn’t easy
i know you see me pull
away when you try & touch
my thigh but please
don’t take those hands
you know i’m your wound
i can’t breathe when you’re
far away like that

April 21st
11:59 pm

//funeral boy//

last week i kissed a boy with permanent whiskey breath
& it made a whole fucking world blow up in my throat 
right where his hand was
he said “i like your dress” the one that i wanted him
to put his hands under &
we sucked face in the front seat when i dropped him off 
at his apartment where his ex & his baby live
fuck babies i want all your ;attention all the time Daddy
he said “i know where this is going but i really should
be a gentleman & leave it for next time”
he knew that violence makes me wet before i even moaned about it
he bit my lips so hard they bled & he kissed me 
like a sweet devouring HE HAS A KNIFE COLLECTION
so i’m going to fuck him stupid &
he’ll pull on my. hair it’s falling out anyway
when he kissed me i could taste how bad he wanted to hurt me
he put his hand on my chest it was so pretty how bad
he wanted to fuck me
i hope he destroys me completely & gives me that dreamy feeling
like the only thing that fucking matters is his dick,
the one where i’m not connected to my body anymore
all i can think about is how even though he hadn’t 
touched a drop    in at least 27 hours i could still taste the Jameson
& it was love like a funeral, my funeral boy
had me imagining holding up a liquor store, dreaming about
getting to be an angel with nails through my wrists/knees on the floor
praying i’m not too sick to hold his halo

April 18th
11:52 pm

whatever, something i never finished

he is lighting fires in the forest.  at this point, i think he’s done it all his life. “hospitals are the strangest cathedrals.” he says this to me & we are laying in bed but we’re 1000 miles apart. he holds a cigarette in one hand, and everything i am in the other. he has these lips and he is always making a little frown with them, like he is trying to figure something out. he wears ties to work & i can’t take him seriously when he does.

so, anyway, my blood is boiling & he’s not doing anything about it. i’m touching his skin like i don’t know he hates everything about me. and he lets it happen, because what else can you do? he pretends like he doesn’t care, like he’s so cavalier that even his heart fails to tip the scale. he lets me touch him because he knows that i need to. he knows i can’t stop. i kiss his neck, and i do that because if i can’t hid my heart in a hummingbird, i might as well hide it with him; because he enjoys the hurricane, & i’ll do just the same. 

the first time, it was a library. the second was the back of a pontiac. and the third was the last night of things at a bus station in downtown atlanta. “you’re strange.” it made the bones in my back hurt when he said it, like instead of stopping the bus kept going & hit me, because i have never known if it’s a compliment or not. there are lots of things i’ll never know about him. i don’t think i’ll ever know who he writes poems about. i’ll never know why he won’t go into a wafflehouse with anyone but himself. and i doubt he’ll ever tell me where he learned to stick to his guns the way he does. what feels so improbable is that i have never really made sense of him, and most likely never will. 

when i drink

so i say to him “i wanna kiss that girl”
who isn’t him & he says “i like your blank
unconscious stare” like yeah Daddy i know 
you love dead girls like me & he does,
know that all boys love a girl who pretends
she has no idea how to use her teeth or 
has no idea she’s even got any
feel like the queen of death threats & “i don’t care”
queen of “daddy you can never be mad at me i’m
fucking heaven-sent”
i know i’m the one you want but i just can’t 
stop lying i know you hate my tantrums
& the way i throw things & break & scream & cry

i should’ve taken ecstasy with you
should’ve kept my hands in my own pants
should’ve never let my tongue come away
from my teeth
should’ve told you i had a girlfriend
to this day i put my head on a pillow
& hear you blushing
i’m sorry i didn’t ever tell you
that some women aren’t meant
to be anybody’s anything.
that i never showed you the hoarse throat
& anger-stained heart
i inherited like blue eyes from my parents
never told you that my eyes get drunk &
look like bedrooms in basements &
cause car wrecks.
i’m sorry i never told you
i didn’t love you

June 2nd
1:48 pm

i am kissing onto your back
like you are wet cement
or an ocean
the dead animals inside me
don’t stink so bad when
you’re around here
my head feels like an emergency
& i don’t notice the rot in me
because of your hand around
my neck i love you.
we are here & thank you
& i am putting stars
into your mouth
& when your lips are on
my lips the whole world
gets quiet and also dies.
i learned that veins dilate
just like pupils do & mine
are like pipe-cleaners now when you
breathe on my cheek i love you
my sleep has been a type
of neglect so closing my eyes
helps me stop from spinning.
when i think about the bruising &
the barely-breathing & the begging
it is harder than usual for me
to keep from touching my heart
with my dirty fingers

April 7th
11:59 pm

strip me of my clothes
my anxieties
my pride
my sadness
tell me you love me.
when you have my heart clenched
between your
once-in-a-while smile,
tell me you still do.
tell me it never gets easier.