i should’ve taken ecstasy with you
should’ve kept my hands in my own pants
should’ve never let my tongue come away
from my teeth
should’ve told you i had a girlfriend
to this day i put my head on a pillow
& hear you blushing
i’m sorry i didn’t ever tell you
that some women aren’t meant
to be anybody’s anything.
that i never showed you the hoarse throat
& anger-stained heart
i inherited like blue eyes from my parents
never told you that my eyes get drunk &
look like bedrooms in basements &
cause car wrecks.
i’m sorry i never told you
i didn’t love you
Boys (from Scorpio Ascendant)
All boys are stupid I only ever wanted to be a GIRL
put ur dick away & tell me about ur sister!!!
where does she live
what color is her hair.. does
she listen to the national
can I kiss her DO SHE
GOT A BOOTY
I looooove being close to girls they r so soft!
and they smell good wow I l o ve being a girl!
I get to be cute n sexy even
when im puking out the window of ur Subaru
all I kno about is benzos and coffee and cigarettes!
its like my heart is drunk all it does is
all girls r best friends and twins but they don’t know itttt
sometimes when a girl is doing my makeup & she gets real close
to my face & uses her finger to wipe something off
& my brain goes “WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO” but
my hands do all the talking anyhow
I can explain my whole life in 2 emojis:
*cigarette* *sunglasses emjoi*
I think in a nother life I was a jelly fish bc when they get
left in the sun too long
their bodies evaporate bc they’re like 98% water!
I drew a jelly fish holding a cigarette & that’s me
all i needed was luck but
knocking on would only left
splinters of you in my knuckles
& when i pulled them out
all i felt was tired.
& what’s more,
is that the grain of whatever wood
i knocked on–
trees, your coffee table, the rafters in the attic–
it only reminded me of your skin
& the knots just looked like stars
embedded in the pale smooth
of your forearms.
yours is a heart i will never mean to break
but when i do,
& i say this with a sigh,
you will leave splinters,
you will break like bones inside me,
your voice will sound like every bad dream
i’ve ever had.
& i’ll be sorry.
because of all the girls you could’ve had,
the ones with rainy eyes & auburn hair,
the ones without a lazy heart or rickety hands,
you picked me.
because i’ve always loved
things that are burning
& you have a heart like matches.
with your spark-heavy heart
in my hand,
i squeeze until my palms are laced with splinters.
hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!V i wrote another ebook sorry
As you left me,
“please don’t go”
on every wall in the basement of how much i loved you.
i always hated the way my mother would
open the door to my darkened bedroom
see me crying
leaving the door open.
after you left, after i spend 3 months crying in my pitch-black basement bedroom
over a love i never once knew how to hold,
i noticed you left the door open.
finally saw that light in the hallway.
pretended that the open door meant you’d be back,
that the bright light was only left on so you could find your way
back to me
and now, after drying my eyes, pulling the covers back,
i finally made it out of bed
the door needs closing.
the light has to go out.
you are not coming back.
i go upstairs and sit down across from my mother, tell her
i love her, ask her if she will help me paint over my
graffiti in the basement.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
you are not coming back.
i don’t need you.
i can make miserable noises all by myself.
i don’t need you.
i already know how to gracefully disappear in a room.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
i’m trying so hard to create
anything beautiful but my hands
just wont do it.
there are clouds in my mouth
im so sorry love do you still
nothing is really astonishing anymore
&everything is dream-like.
things are just sparks in the dark lately
it’s venus where i am or jupiter
if i close my eyes
everything i was or used to be is somewhere else.
i think i spend all night dreaming about what the bottom of a river is like
because nothing feels more like home than drowning.
i drown in absolutely everything
all the time.
i am tired of god & eating
such bad love.
i come from the inside & outside
of whatever world he lives in
I don’t know how to feel
I hate autocorrect and I hate apostrophes
I hate being correct
I want everyone to hate me
As much as I hhate myself
Everything I do is a dead end
I feel like Illinois all the time
God fcuking dammnit I hate capital letters
I want every thing I say to be informal
And disgustingly annoyinhg
I hate that I have a good relationship with someone who loves me and I still want less
I still feel like I don’t deserve this or that I deserve to be alone because of how hungry I am
I don’t want to be touched
I don’t want to forget how to use my teeth or my
Listening to mindless techno music is actually all I can do right now I want to rip out all my teeth so whenever I talk it sounds mangled and no one will want to talk to me because I sound like a fucking
I don’t know the words
I don’t know what to say anymore I feel like I will never write with the eloquence I used to
I have lost it all I think
Wow I’m fucked
I hate that this requires something to be broken in side you
People only trust your sadness when there’s a diagnosis
I put my face in my hands and hold on for dear life and there isnothing else I can do I hate it all I hate m y inadequacy and my commanding heart
I hate being dizzy all the time nad knowing with my whole heart that this is all there is
I hate knowing that I will get better because then I will have no excuse to hate myself so much
There are sunken parts of me that he can’t reach, they can’t be fucked from between my legs or loved out of my skull or touched out of my hands
Because the sadness is still in me and the wreck is still in me and there is nothing to push them away- not a hand or a kiss or a disturbingly gentle word
I hate that I can’t write anymore, that it all feels mute and my inclination to express myself feels abandoned
In favor of what, though?
Drugs and bruises and probably humid air, maybe. I don’t think you want to know what I think about myself or how much I wish my whole body could fall asleep in the way that your arm does when you lay on it weird for a while
Ican’t tell you about how often I fall asleep at the back of a whale’s throat just praying to get swallowed like in finding nemo
There is so much blood sleeping inside me I could never pour it out in front of you im sorry. I m so sorry that you have to stand next to me like this when I am so naïve and my heart is so hungry inside me it is like a broken ankle all the time when I talk to you. I wish icould put my hands on your face and push away every suffocation you ever endured in the name of love
Im sorry that self-destructive obedience is the only thing that makes me feel real and true and right
I am mostly sorry that I love you the way that I do because it will eventually kill us both and you will leave and I will be sorry I built such tall towers because when you do I will fall down the stairs and break everything
I will fall down out of the towers on t o the ground and then I won’t get to kiss your elbows or put your fingers in my mouth
I will just be dirty and broken and dead
And that might be it
Dadd y dy dayydydydydyddy dDADDY KNOWS EVERYTHING
This font is actually called “Teen” and what the fuck does it MEAN
I want a cigarette and I want to fuck
Give me what I want I am selfish give me it.
I am a five years old girl and I am mad at everyone forever because im not spoiled ROTTEN
Spoil me like lbad meat
That’s gross what
;leave me a lone eeeeeee
im watching the super moon fuck off nerd
I called my brother a nersd because he drank all the motherfucking chocolate milk
Ddaddddddyydydydydyyd kILL HIM KILL HIM HKILLLLLLLLLLLLLLH IMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Don’t kill him hes my little brother I love him im sorry. Im sorry I m soryyyryryryr
Im actually so hyper right now I need to just punch myself a few times
I need to find a less physically painful wayt o fall down the stairsssssssss
I worked at a place today and made $37 I hate my life because I owe my little brother $25 so like I only made $12 really and I cant buy
Cool drugs with that
I mean like maybe a dime bag
But f that
I don’t care
Thrift shoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pepepepeep
I havt o peeeeeeeeee
Everyone LEAVE ME ALONE IM WRITING A NOVEL
No im not im wirting about how hyper I am but still
Leave me alone
I want to know what 200 pounds of weed looks like
I googled it AND
It looks cool like a lot of tiny broccolis
Daddy issues are a super weird thing to have
I wanted to listent o a song but then I went out side and smoked a half a cigarette
And I don’t hve to pee anymore I let my brother check his FACE BOOK
And now he’s laughing at me he tells me this is why we’re siblings
I think this is the beginning of me going crazy Carayzyzyzyayayayayayzyzyzyy
My foot itches so badddddddd fuck this gay dumb earth
Give me xanax or give me death
That’s the motto y’all
Fucking FUCK CHOCOLATE MILK I WANT IT SO BAD
Hello little doggie
Hello jake I see u under the kitchen table u little weirdo
Here is the Thing nobody ever f*cking tells u:
U will hate your best friend 50% of the time
And u will love them the other 50% and that is a science FACT
Another science fact:
Girls have the same DNA as flowers
Actually u have the same DNA as whatever u want
U could be a turtle or a fly or even a venus fly trap
I wonder ifthe supermoon has DNA that would be cool I would want to be the supermoon if I could be something else
I want to be nothing sometimes
Daddy was telling me the other day about how people ruin everything &
I told him I think that ‘s why I love people SO mUCH
Because I look at them and see the way that they ruin everything & think its ok
Because the way they ruin everything looks just like me
And I love them already
I hate that word capitalizes everything that’s supposed to becapitalizeddddddd
I hate capital lettersssssss
I hate spelling and language
I want to speak nothing
I want to BE NOTHING
Can’t stop thinking
”if u do this to me again I will actually vomit”
I just wanna hear ur sweet voice that’s all
Im needy and stupid n sad
Love me love mem love me love me
LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT
I don’t give a ficCK IM SO HYPER I COULD KILL EVERYTHIGN
Fuckign comic sans who am I
Who am I in this world
I killed a spider today I am so sorry
S o sorrryyyyyy
Bu I hate spiders I think it was a wolf spider
We googled it
It had 8 legs of course it had 8 legs its’ A SPIDER
There’s cold pizza on thetable and I think my opa is mad
Fr what ever reason lol
My phone vibrated in my pocket I know who it is it’s DaddyyyyyY!!!!
I’m glad it was Daddy im glasd I was right
Im drinking pepsi at 11:04 pm I don’t care
I have lost the ability 2 give a fuck about ppl who make me feell like shit and this is a really positibve feeling for me
Good vibes and all that u kno
I smdh at nerds who try 2 tell me what 2 do bc like, seriously.
Go f urself douche
If any1 tries to tell me what 2 do I punch their head a hundred times
And then spit in their eeye and say
”lol nerd” and then laugh at them because I’M BBYGURL NO 1 CAN TEL L ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO
NOT EVEN ANYONE
NOT DADDY EVEN
Jk I listen to Daddy because hes my Daddy and he knows best
Goddamnit im so hyper I killed a spider
I took a picture of its coprpse and screamed for at leas t 15 minutes because I was so full of adrenaline
Killing spiders gets me really fricked up
I hate talking about spider s make me stop make me stop doing anything I can’t even look at myself in the mirror im so weird
I just looked at m y armpit hair and got really disgusted but then really proud bc I don’t care no one can tell me to shave my arm pits or I will do the spit-in-the-eye thin g
I only belong to Daddy and that ‘s cool because LOVE
LOVE IS STUPID& YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT BECASEU EVENTUALLY IT WILL MAKE YOU USE YOUR MONEY TO BUY DRUGS AND U WILL LAUGH AT UR OWN BLOOD WHEN IT COMES OUT OF U
NO ONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT BLLOOD THAN ME I M THE BLOOD QUEEN
Say my name and I will fuck u up douchenerd
Ha ha ha fuck off forever
When dudebros give me grief about my body hair I give them gthe middle finger
Take THAT fuckers
M is andr y
Yeah gurls roule and boys druooooool fuckers
I don’t care I od’n’t care
I don’t FUCKGING CARE
I only care about me and Daddy and turtles
Man I fucking love turtes
Im sorry I lied I do care about you
Unless you’re a rapist then u can rot in HELL fuckbag
I hope u find out ur mom never loved you
Because I sure as fuck don’t love u and I don’t care about ur life or the things that happen to u
U are a disgusting person and I hope u rot. In hell. Fore ver.
Imdrinking pepsie at 11:11 pm
I don’t make wishes
I make FISTs
I seriously am in so much love with you my hwole life (not rapists tho) im in love with u. im in love with ur heart and ur here-there eyes thank u I am
And hugging u
i wish i could kiss you
every time i saw a baptist church
while traveling through the south.
i like to stare out the window
at passing cars and pretend
you’re a passenger in all of them,
because it gives me a reason to wave
and smile at strangers
i will never see again.
my blood feels heavy &
my hands will never be still
& it feels like i am
watching myself moving in circles
around how much i need
i can’t tell if i feel like
in this hotel bath tub
(since i know you think
that’s the worst way to die)
or falling off a 22-story building
(since i also happen to know you think
that’s the best way to die)
or if i should just keep
loving you &
let that kill me