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a collection of writings by Casey Ashman


April 14th
10:51 pm

loser

i’ve written a lot of poems about
a lot of different boys
what if i sent them all to those boys
fuck that shit i don’t care
& i’m not going to
i’m not gonna care until i find a boy
who can make my tantrums go away
who never makes me disappear
or who will find me when i do
i read through some old poems
& i hate them but 
remember exactly how i felt when i wrote them
is that a thing that people do
i smoke a lot & it’s whatever i don’t give a shit really
i dreamt about a dude a few nights ago &
it was dumb because when i dream
about boys i get homesick for them immediately
but when i woke up from my dream about this stupid dude
i just wanted to go back to sleep &
dream about somebody else 
for once
i’ll sleep on your floor if you’ll let me 
i dream about being dirty broke
about being pretty & free
fuck dreams & fuck boys
i told my mom i want to find 
the Best Boy & that i’d 
wander through every back yard & broken promise
just to find him
& when i do i’m gonna light that
motherfucker on fire
boys always have a bone to pick or 
a bone to break & i’m sick to death
of being the heavy in their lives

Boys (from Scorpio Ascendant)

All boys are stupid I only ever wanted to be a GIRL
put ur dick away & tell me about ur sister!!!
where does she live
what color is her hair.. does
she listen to the national
can I kiss her DO SHE
GOT A BOOTY
I looooove being close to girls they r so soft!
and they smell good wow I l o ve being a girl!
I get to be cute n sexy even
when im puking out the window of ur Subaru
all I kno about is benzos and coffee and cigarettes!
its like my heart is drunk all it does is
cause accidents.
all girls r best friends and twins but they don’t know itttt
sometimes when a girl is doing my makeup & she gets real close
to my face & uses her finger to wipe something off
& my brain goes “WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO”  but
my hands do all the talking anyhow
I can explain my whole life in 2 emojis:
*cigarette* *sunglasses emjoi*
I think in a nother life I was a jelly fish bc when they get
left in the sun too long
their bodies evaporate bc they’re like 98% water!
I drew a jelly fish holding a cigarette & that’s me

birch-tree boys

all i needed was luck but
knocking on would only left
splinters of you in my knuckles
& when i pulled them out
all i felt was tired.
& what’s more,
is that the grain of whatever wood
i knocked on–
trees, your coffee table, the rafters in the attic–
it only reminded me of your skin
& the knots just looked like stars
embedded in the pale smooth
of your forearms.
yours is a heart i will never mean to break
but when i do,
& i say this with a sigh,
you will leave splinters,
you will break like bones inside me,
your voice will sound like every bad dream
i’ve ever had.
& i’ll be sorry.
because of all the girls you could’ve had,
the ones with rainy eyes & auburn hair,
the ones without a lazy heart or rickety hands,
you picked me.
because i’ve always loved
things that are burning
& you have a heart like matches.
with your spark-heavy heart
in my hand,
i squeeze until my palms are laced with splinters.
always,
these splinters.

As you left me,
i wrote
“please don’t go”
on every wall in the basement of how much i loved you.
i always hated the way my mother would
open the door to my darkened bedroom
see me crying
walk out—
leaving the door open.
after you left, after i spend 3 months crying in my pitch-black basement bedroom
over a love i never once knew how to hold,
i noticed you left the door open.
finally saw that light in the hallway.
pretended that the open door meant you’d be back,
that the bright light was only left on so you could find your way
back to me
and now, after drying my eyes, pulling the covers back,
i finally made it out of bed
the door needs closing.
the light has to go out.
you are not coming back.
i go upstairs and sit down across from my mother, tell her
i love her, ask her if she will help me paint over my
graffiti in the basement.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
you are not coming back.
i don’t need you.
i can make miserable noises all by myself.
i don’t need you.
i already know how to gracefully disappear in a room.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.

i’m trying so hard to create
anything beautiful but my hands
just wont do it.
there are clouds in my mouth
im so sorry love do you still
love me?
nothing is really astonishing anymore
&everything is dream-like.
things are just sparks in the dark lately
it’s venus where i am or jupiter
if i close my eyes
everything i was or used to be is somewhere else.
forever, maybe.
i think i spend all night dreaming about what the bottom of a river is like
because nothing feels more like home than drowning.
i drown in absolutely everything
all the time.
i am tired of god & eating
such bad love.
i come from the inside & outside
of whatever world he lives in

June 17th
9:46 pm

i wish i could kiss you
every time i saw a baptist church
while traveling through the south.
i like to stare out the window
at passing cars and pretend
you’re a passenger in all of them,
because it gives me a reason to wave
and smile at strangers
i will never see again.

June 13th
11:16 pm

my blood feels heavy &
my hands will never be still
& it feels like i am
watching myself moving in circles
around how much i need
love.
i can’t tell if i feel like
drowning myself
in this hotel bath tub
(since i know you think
that’s the worst way to die)
or falling off a 22-story building
(since i also happen to know you think
that’s the best way to die)
or if i should just keep
loving you &
let that kill me
instead.

June 2nd
1:48 pm

i am kissing onto your back
like you are wet cement
or an ocean
the dead animals inside me
don’t stink so bad when
you’re around here
my head feels like an emergency
& i don’t notice the rot in me
because of your hand around
my neck i love you.
we are here & thank you
& i am putting stars
into your mouth
& when your lips are on
my lips the whole world
gets quiet and also dies.
i learned that veins dilate
just like pupils do & mine
are like pipe-cleaners now when you
breathe on my cheek i love you
my sleep has been a type
of neglect so closing my eyes
helps me stop from spinning.
when i think about the bruising &
the barely-breathing & the begging
it is harder than usual for me
to keep from touching my heart
with my dirty fingers

May 7th
9:46 pm

Hello friends!

i have published another ebook called “Indoor Voices”!
it can be read here
thank you for your time! I love you so much.
x
actualhobo

April 7th
11:59 pm

strip me of my clothes
my anxieties
my pride
my sadness
tell me you love me.
when you have my heart clenched
between your
once-in-a-while smile,
tell me you still do.
tell me it never gets easier.

April 2nd
3:26 pm

i will never really find the wounds
you left.
I won’t go looking for them,
anyway.

Because i know that the second i think
it’s time to heal,
you’ll be there again.

making me want to touch your hand.
making me want to save you.
making me want to keep you.

so when people stare at me
and say,
"with scars like that,
who’s ever gonna love her?”

i’ll think to myself,
"I don’t even feel them anymore."

s.t.