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where does it go

June 10th
2:13 am

"come thru"

mama, i gotta ask you about something
how come when he holds me i feel like i’m a hundred years old & when he fucks me i feel nothing but sweaty & tired
how come my heart feels swollen even when he doesn’t touch it because he won’t, doesn’t want to, can’t, who fucking knows
how come after all this i still can’t go home because i don’t know where it is
how come he tells me i’m pretty, why don’t i hear him when he touches my neck & gives me headaches all over
boys are always like lightning going through your fucking eye sockets, always like going to the river to put dirt on
i don’t see them when their eyes go beneath my skirt, they’re never where they say they are, always under someone or above someone else
they’re all monsters but i still check the closet just to be sure my favorite boy’s not hiding in there
mama, how come he’s not hiding in there?
tell him to come out here & breathe down my neck
tell him i want him to push away my drowning thing



i wanna lie on a trampoline in the summer with you
this seems more romantic than most things
there will be fireflies in the bushes
and we will kiss a little
and feel good about the bouncy surface
beneath us

i wasn’t feeling sad when i started writing this
but now for some reason i am


i think that when two ghosts fall in love, it just sounds like a whisper. i also am worried that if you were to cut me, maybe to see if my blood was sick, only sand would pour out. or maybe nothing at all. what kinds of things do glass girls keep in them? there is a boy in my algebra class and his name is Basil and he is very nice but i wish he drank because i want everyone to be as terrible as me. i hope i am still your favourite accident! i am very hungry and i know that at some point last night, i dreamt i was in one of those big houses, one with a green door. i am thinking a lot about a lot:

  • i am terrible at finances.
  • i want another rat.
  • the weather right now is very beautiful.
  • talking about college/graduation makes my head hurt.
  • i feel like i am on adderall but know that i am not.
  • i love my teeth.
  • there is a papercut on my left ring finger.