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where does it go


April 14th
10:51 pm

loser

i’ve written a lot of poems about
a lot of different boys
what if i sent them all to those boys
fuck that shit i don’t care
& i’m not going to
i’m not gonna care until i find a boy
who can make my tantrums go away
who never makes me disappear
or who will find me when i do
i read through some old poems
& i hate them but 
remember exactly how i felt when i wrote them
is that a thing that people do
i smoke a lot & it’s whatever i don’t give a shit really
i dreamt about a dude a few nights ago &
it was dumb because when i dream
about boys i get homesick for them immediately
but when i woke up from my dream about this stupid dude
i just wanted to go back to sleep &
dream about somebody else 
for once
i’ll sleep on your floor if you’ll let me 
i dream about being dirty broke
about being pretty & free
fuck dreams & fuck boys
i told my mom i want to find 
the Best Boy & that i’d 
wander through every back yard & broken promise
just to find him
& when i do i’m gonna light that
motherfucker on fire
boys always have a bone to pick or 
a bone to break & i’m sick to death
of being the heavy in their lives

when i drink

so i say to him “i wanna kiss that girl”
who isn’t him & he says “i like your blank
unconscious stare” like yeah Daddy i know 
you love dead girls like me & he does,
know that all boys love a girl who pretends
she has no idea how to use her teeth or 
has no idea she’s even got any
feel like the queen of death threats & “i don’t care”
queen of “daddy you can never be mad at me i’m
fucking heaven-sent”
i know i’m the one you want but i just can’t 
stop lying i know you hate my tantrums
& the way i throw things & break & scream & cry

can’t taste my voice when he says my name
through a phone, says “love you babydoll”
can’t dream without drowning or dying can’t 
sleep without dreaming
can’t find drugs strong enough to make me feel sane
or any feeling close to that

feel terrifying & like a lunatic girl with curly hair &
dark lipstick
i htink boys like you get lost in graveyards
that look exactly like dive bars or train stations &
they just wander around with their throats cut 
& some girl’s kiss on their cheek
know that boys like that can’t scare me if 
i stay in my rabbit hole, a wolf in bunny fur
deathly afraid of the way i wear sadness like a
second skin, itchy & too-tight i think love is made
for me to feel too small inside of, 
something i can’t wear well enough 
to feel happy

Don’t think i make any sense at all most of the time,
think that drugs have scattered my thoughts,
thrown them up into the air so god can catch them
& let them fall like the devil did,
wanna be something people know exactly how 
to love, never wanna make mommy mad at me 
because that’s the worst feeling i ever get
need to stop thinking that evryone means what they 
say just because i do, need to leave before i’m left.
i need control over something so i starve & starve
for love & for something to devour because if 
anything, at least i have these little toothpicks
to carry me away from every problem

thinking lately that maybe they’ll just break &
i won’t go anywhere at all, be stuck in this town, this 
house & this earth for longer than i wanted
my brother says there’s worse things than being alone
but maybe i don’t believe him because being alone
means cold & it means quiet & it means i crush up
an adderall on the nightstand & pretend that i’m going
to be happy come hell or high water but it never comes,
never gets to me somehow, i’m at the middle of the river 
& the ocean is never gonna fucking come

i’m a girl even lucifer is too embarrassed to think about 

just had the thought “someone should write a novel
about me killing my boyfriend & moving
to pennsylvania to fuck some dude that i 
kind of hate”
but then i told myself
"casey you don’t have to fuck every boy
who remotely resembles james dean”

Dear mother
it is 1AM exactly & i am still awake and im sorry
i am wearing my ex-boyfriend’s shirt to sleep for the 3rd night this week
and im sorry
i know you know i snorted those Adderall last night 
you were never supposed to see that
i don’t have any excuse
being young & stupid & hungry doesn’t save me anymore
im sorry i never told you about the eating thing
i just have a shitty relationship with food & dont want you to think
im weak, something those boys know how to break down to bone
im sorry you had to give birth to me
i expect i was selfish & unapologetic just as i am now
mama i dont know how to show you where it hurts
i cant put my fingers on the bruises because i can’t find them
& im sorry

i sit outside in the wind smoking a cigarette 
& among thoughts of birds &airplane trajectories
there’s the quiet thought of me kissing your head &
calling you handsome
you’re the best boyfriend i ever met even if you have
communication issues i still want to not hurt your feelings
i like how when i pick at my skin & ruin it you still
put your hands on me like rain
i’m tired of the way i hurt myself im
tired baby can i stay the night? i can taste that
bottle of sailor jerry’s across the room & i 
bought us cokes from the gas station down the block
i love you & i want you to love me forever somewhere but
i want you to let me leave because boys will
never understand how heavy a crown is, 
how easily we disappear, how bad it hurts to fall from the 
top of those stairs all down to the bottom just because someone
forgot to say they love me more than god or anything at all
i can only happen like a thunderstorm,
all at once,
all at once & i want so badly for it to be easy,
want so badly to be like rain: soft & pretty to feel, but im not & 
im sorry your mama never told you that
some girls light fires because they like to watch you burn

i think about you & start
talking to myself in the dark
daddy where do you
keep going?
i want to kiss girls that 
know how to keep blood
in their mouth where it belongs
i try to hold mine in & it 
bleeds all over me anyhow
i think the inside of my throat 
is where cigarettes &
hearts go to die 
my chest is probably full of 
the same dull hum i
hear in my brain all day
blue brain matter &
thick blood moving slow
through everything
else inside me
i’m a junkyard girl
all smashed metal & scraps
there’s a dog where my
heart is 
leaving teeth marks on
everything im a girl so i 
never felt clean enough
to be seen but now that i’m
here next to someone who looks 
at me like nothing’s there
i think i can feel stars
crawling up & exploding
at the back of my throat

i should’ve taken ecstasy with you
should’ve kept my hands in my own pants
should’ve never let my tongue come away
from my teeth
should’ve told you i had a girlfriend
to this day i put my head on a pillow
& hear you blushing
i’m sorry i didn’t ever tell you
that some women aren’t meant
to be anybody’s anything.
that i never showed you the hoarse throat
& anger-stained heart
i inherited like blue eyes from my parents
never told you that my eyes get drunk &
look like bedrooms in basements &
cause car wrecks.
i’m sorry i never told you
i didn’t love you

Boys (from Scorpio Ascendant)

All boys are stupid I only ever wanted to be a GIRL
put ur dick away & tell me about ur sister!!!
where does she live
what color is her hair.. does
she listen to the national
can I kiss her DO SHE
GOT A BOOTY
I looooove being close to girls they r so soft!
and they smell good wow I l o ve being a girl!
I get to be cute n sexy even
when im puking out the window of ur Subaru
all I kno about is benzos and coffee and cigarettes!
its like my heart is drunk all it does is
cause accidents.
all girls r best friends and twins but they don’t know itttt
sometimes when a girl is doing my makeup & she gets real close
to my face & uses her finger to wipe something off
& my brain goes “WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO”  but
my hands do all the talking anyhow
I can explain my whole life in 2 emojis:
*cigarette* *sunglasses emjoi*
I think in a nother life I was a jelly fish bc when they get
left in the sun too long
their bodies evaporate bc they’re like 98% water!
I drew a jelly fish holding a cigarette & that’s me

birch-tree boys

all i needed was luck but
knocking on would only left
splinters of you in my knuckles
& when i pulled them out
all i felt was tired.
& what’s more,
is that the grain of whatever wood
i knocked on–
trees, your coffee table, the rafters in the attic–
it only reminded me of your skin
& the knots just looked like stars
embedded in the pale smooth
of your forearms.
yours is a heart i will never mean to break
but when i do,
& i say this with a sigh,
you will leave splinters,
you will break like bones inside me,
your voice will sound like every bad dream
i’ve ever had.
& i’ll be sorry.
because of all the girls you could’ve had,
the ones with rainy eyes & auburn hair,
the ones without a lazy heart or rickety hands,
you picked me.
because i’ve always loved
things that are burning
& you have a heart like matches.
with your spark-heavy heart
in my hand,
i squeeze until my palms are laced with splinters.
always,
these splinters.

As you left me,
i wrote
“please don’t go”
on every wall in the basement of how much i loved you.
i always hated the way my mother would
open the door to my darkened bedroom
see me crying
walk out—
leaving the door open.
after you left, after i spend 3 months crying in my pitch-black basement bedroom
over a love i never once knew how to hold,
i noticed you left the door open.
finally saw that light in the hallway.
pretended that the open door meant you’d be back,
that the bright light was only left on so you could find your way
back to me
and now, after drying my eyes, pulling the covers back,
i finally made it out of bed
the door needs closing.
the light has to go out.
you are not coming back.
i go upstairs and sit down across from my mother, tell her
i love her, ask her if she will help me paint over my
graffiti in the basement.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.
you are not coming back.
i don’t need you.
i can make miserable noises all by myself.
i don’t need you.
i already know how to gracefully disappear in a room.
i don’t need you.
i don’t need you.

s.t.